questions

The Pathi's were in Colombo this weekend so Madhu slept over last night. She is such a sweetie. We made Dhal and pasta and I helped her with her resume. In the morning, simply out of habit, she ironed my clothes and made my bed! She is used to living in a boarding room with 12 other girls and just 6 beds! And because she has a job while the others are still students she is the one who buys home rice and curry for the other girls to eat.

She is very good at English so I could chat with her ”very well,” as they say. The girls and Nilhu often say, after chatting with me, "oooh, we cover lot." I think they are used to discussing food, family and clothes, not arranged marriage, oppression and corruption. But because I am not here for long I have to cover a lot of ground so I get right in there with the sensitive topics. I know I can't change the culture but if I can give one girl even a spark of insight maybe they will develop a slightly more liberal way of seeing things, just as they have taught me a more united way to see things.

But these girls know that their culture is not the only way, and they know that in some cases it is not the best way, and still they respond to every issue with, “this is our culture.” Sometimes I think it is not unawareness I am fighting but their adamant belief in fate.

I feel like I have made some headway with one girl. Even as a University educated woman she says that it is a woman’s fault if she is sexually assaulted...what was she wearing & why was she walking alone? And if someone is abused by her husband she should be working harder to take away the alcohol and to create a “happy” family. But I think what she says is different from what she believes because I think she knows from experience that the “happy family concept” they teach is more condescending than helpful. She is just afraid to voice her opinion here about that to Sir.

Where many of our Universities teach you about how to challenge authority these teachers are still just coming in & lecturing facts without posing or answering any questions. During class my friend worked at INDECOS and would get filled in by her classmates later. She says she is very lucky to be able to get this job with INDECOS because many people from the village do not have these opportunities. She also had help from her brothers so she is now thinking about helping them as they come from a home with no water or electricity. By the way, not only is she trying to help her school friends, her mother, and her brothers, she is also sponsoring a girl she met from a far away village to go to University because the girl reminded her of herself. There is just no end to the generosity with some folks here.

She is also very eager because I told her if we wrote the story of these girls with pictures I could make a brochure to bring back to Canada to find sponsors. I know through World Vision sponsoring a child is $35 a month because a lot of that is going to the organization but because INDECOS doesn’t take any of the money, supporting these students would only cost $6 a month, or $60.00 for the year!

A New Years Without Champagne

It’s the main day of New Years and I am quietly sitting in my room reading “An Open Heart,” by the Dali Lama (someone who the Sri Lankans don’t seem too impressed by, I think he has opened up their more traditional style of Buddhism). It is an auspicious time now so I cannot eat again for 6 hours, drink even water in the house, or do any work. The big event this evening will be boiling milk over a fire on the kitchen floor.
There are no broken glass or champagne covered ceilings at this New Years, folks!
Anyway, over the four days we have many visitors and have also make visits to the houses of close friends. There you exchange gifts (like Christmas) & eat 'sweets and tings.' I have already accumulated a bit of a belly so hopefully after these four days I won't be 10 pounds heavier!!!
I also found a guitar so I have been shaking up the old music circle with a little Jewel and a little Van.
Anyway, my biggest epiphany of the trip came when I gave them their gifts. After all the meals they had given me and all the gifts along the way- not to mention the New Years dress Pearl had made for me and the jewellery from Aiyaa- still when I gave them a piece of clothing each they said “oh, you have spent too much!”
But the best part was when they opened the poem and note I wrote for them with a laminated with a photo of us. “Yup. Together before the birt,” Pearl said “that’s why I’m like dis” pointing to the tears.
That’s when I realized I am Buddhist because I also believe that I’ve been here before.

A Friday and Full of Epiphanies

Guy’s gone now. He taught me HTML and I helped him create the website by supplying the content. Now that he is gone, I will finish it. But you can check it out now: http://www.indecos.com/
Always good to talk to a fellow Canadian. Had so many epiphanies while he was here. We were talking to Kamani from INDECOS about the divorce question and she said she always hears her neighbours fighting and I asked “in a case like this do you think that divorce is ok?” and she gave the usual diversion “this is our culture.”
I realized right there that the INDECOS powerpoint that I had seen earlier for the “Stop Violence against Women” program had meant what I was afraid it meant. It had advised the women to “face challenges” which at the time I had hoped meant to leave the man despite family pressures but now I have discovered meant to stay with the man, even if he is beating you. “We tell them to be nicer to their husbands,” Pearl told me when I asked her about it today, “we think it is better for a child to have a bad father than no father.”
The lawyer who spoke to them was not telling them that they can get a divorce if they need to but just telling them about their human rights so that they would try to change the situation, not leave it.
Guy had spent 6 years in Africa and thinks that the women’s situation is generally much worse here, even though he said that the men in Guinea would tell each other that they must beat their wives once a week to keep them in check. As we learned in the orientation, the violence here is not necessarily physical, but more mental, and I can see this in the way that women’s over-dependency.
Nilu told me last week that she has to ask Pathi before she does anything. She will text him at the bank to ask if she can go and buy eggs or visit a friend. Sometimes he texts back saying “no.”
“Why?” I asked and she told me “because there are many problems like love affairs in Sri Lanka.” And when she states love affairs as her explanation for this obsessive male dominance she does not even mean cheating. When they say affair they simply mean a relationship in which the parents have not picked and/or approved of the spouse.
What we call a fiancé is what they call boyfriend/ girlfriend and what we call a girlfriend or boyfriend is what they call an affair. So, she is basically saying that because girls want to date, and the fact that she was set up with a traditional proposal where she did not know Pathi, he will never trust her and so must exhibit is control around the clock to make himself feel powerful.
And as I sit in shock, taking this all in, Nilhu says with her usual giggle, “what to do, no?” and I realize that she is a 38 year old little girl.

Busy, busy

CEO of WUSC came so we went camping and on a safari in Udawalawe National Park. So fantastic! Saw so many elephants and the beautiful green park. Sat around camp fire but had no marshmallows.
This week I have a new volunteer here who I’ve been helping to gather the content for creating the website. It’s great to have someone here to hang out with and again I have again been un-srilankanized, ie. eating out, shopping and walking about and even drinking a beer!
Yesterday and today have been New Years celebrations with the children. So great! So busy, though! And PS We finally got ADSL now! Woot woot!

Here are a few pics from today...

Only one month left  and so many ideas

I can’t believe I only have four weeks left. The time has been just flying by and there is still so much I want to do – particularly at INDECOS. I have been doing many little things- taught powerpoint class on Tuesday, giving help with resume & created brochures, a newsletter and some reports. But what I want to do most is write the proposal for the Women’s Entrepreneurship Program which they want to extend another year- to end in March 2010.
The WEP program started with the goal to benefit Tsunami affected women. The current funders are CIDA and Berindina but their contract expires in March so they want to extend it. These women who have skills like making pillow cases or floor mats are given business training and can receive loans with a only a small amount of interest. The program is so good because it’s so practical- the women actually learn how to find a market and sell the products. Unfortunately, it is very difficult to find a market in poor villages and they don’t have any connections to the city. One volunteer actually started a store in Kandy a few years ago and it has been very successful for the women there. It would be ideal if we could start sending the products up there or even eventually start a store here in Matara one day!
Yes, I have many ideas. I am also thinking about whether I could send some products to Canada to sell. A wall decoration that would be about $20 in Colombo would only be $2 here so I think even after the shipping and such you could still sell it at a decent price in Canada. I could sell some stuff at the Sidney sidewalk sale, See if 10,000 Villages needs a new connection, or even Start my own store! The wheels are turning.

Anyway, one thing at a time. If I can get the proposal written then they can get the funding they need to continue the program and get to a point where they can run it without support.
Today the WUSC CEO is coming from Canada so it should be interesting to meet him! And, this weekend us volunteers and such are going to Tasks in Udawalawe.
P.S. I know have 5 saris, 2 cotton ones for comfort, 2 wedding ones for quality and 1 silk one which is more casual and will be good in Canada. I might trade the cotton ones with Madhu because they’re not as pretty for her cheaper and older, but nicer looking, ones.

Have you ever made a snowball?

I returned to Colombo this weekend, which after 2 months in Matara, feels like the West. remember first arriving here and how it felt so foreign. Now I don't notice the insane traffic swerving around the cows, the mutant dogs with 2 feet and the smell of low grade burning fuel. Instead I am feeling a lack of stares, seeing ads of ladies in tank tops & shorts and smelling pizza which I couldn't resist buying for Nilhu's family as a small thank-you gift- there is no use trying to match with the Sri Lankan hospitality so I just try to accept that and make small gestures here and there.

Never have I seen the benefits of fast food like I do now after seeing women sweating over a stove in the unforgiving heat for 6 hours. At home I try to fight the onslaught of fast food in favour of simple living but here simple living is anything but simple.

Although it can be frustrating to be associated with women from American movies, people in Colombo do have a better understanding of our lifestyles which TV/movies must be given partial credit for. Any understanding of Western, even the bad, means that they understand things are different somewhere else. So while I think there is an overreliance of media sources at home, I see it here as a vehicle for a altering perspective.

Even just the fact that these boys have seen snow on TV means that they have a much bigger understanding of my hobby, snowboarding, whereas you can only begin to try to explain something like that to the girls who are coming to Matara from villages. One boy was so sweet- he asked if I had ever made a snowball because he had seen it on TV but couldn't believe it was possible.

(pic: teaching yoga. i taught Madhu last night, too, and she is very happy because classes here are too expensive but she was so eager to learn).

I can see Mel Gibson shouting it now...

Last week the English teacher was asking me “When comparing our countries, why do you guys always use the word FREEDOM? It is not a matter of freedom, Sri Lankan parents just want to take care of their children.” Then I go to tell people like this that we don’t need to be taken care of because we are much safer, and I remember that actually we have many of the same problems, one just knows how to interact with their own society to avoid them. So here, girls know how to act on the bus to avoid sexual harassment and, in Canada, we know where to go to avoid drug addicts.
There are many issues here that seem way beyond the kind of violence we have at home but then when I think about it these girls would be traumatized if they saw the herion addicts shooting up in Victoria or heard about the gang shootings in Vancouver. They almost see the violence in the West as much worse than here because people are alone to face it.
There are 3 people in the office in their 30’s and for me it is so strange to think that their mom still makes their lunch, but for them it is strange to think that a 17 or 18 year old child would live without parents, not to mention, work! Those that are planning University do not work because they must do very well in high school to be accepted into University. For many of the girls at INDECOS this is their first and only job!
My friend Madhu told me today that her father died, so even though she passed her advance tests, she was going to get a job instead of going to University. Her Uncle knew Conrad though and he gave her a part-time job which helped her through school. She sends about 1000 rupees a month to give her mom food and clothes and pays 1000 to her boarding house, which means when she was in school she would just break even with no spending money! I hope that she is able to get the position in INDECOS that she wants – in the Women’s Entrepreneurship Program- Conrad is reluctant to give her this position because she is educated so is likely to go to the government. But she wants to stay in this job and working in micro-credit & such is really her only chance to travel to Canada (with Uniterra) which is her life ambition.
Although it is wonderful that people have support from family, it also means that children carry such a burden on their shoulders because they are expected to support their parents as their parents have supported them. It is so sad to think that none of these girls- no matter how hard working- will never have enough money to travel on their own accord.
From the first day in Matara I had connected with Conrad & Pearl but it was not until Andy’s visit that I really connected with the Pathirana’s as well. I saw the paternal side of Mr. Pathi, as he announced that if he had a daughter he would want her to be just like Andy. It is funny to hear the observations that other people make. They saw Andy as very young and innocent and Mr. Pathi said I was like her older sister watching over her, haha.
Anyway, last night was his promotion party- he’s now the head of the bank- and we went to a party at a hotel in Weligama. Not only were they offering me whisky but he also encouraged me to use the pool- I was like “uh, I don’t really want to be the only one to go swimming,” and he was like- “now, stop thinking like a Sri Lankan.” I think they liked- no, loved- Andy’s care-free Westernism and are now trying to keep it alive.
I also had a great conversation with Mr. Pathi about women + freedom, much like the conversation I’d had with Conrad about women + choice. He definitely recognizes the limitations of his society and knows that many of the issues are third world ones (corrupt gov’t, desperation and crime), others are also cultural constructs (women= 1 husband). He tells me that so many girls commit suicide because of the men that they have been forced to marry. They do not have the option to marry again and no man would want her. And the crazy thing is that it is rare to find men like Pathi who feel that there is something wrong with this. Even Conrad is still teaching the children that divorce, which is now becoming more common in Colombo, is society’s BIGGEST problem.